My Boy.

It’s been too long since I have blogged about anything. Life has certainly got in the way, but tonight I feel the need to write to help heal my heart. Grab a box of tissues, because tears are falling from my face as I type…

A little over 3 years ago, I remember getting the phone call from our wonderful breeders that the puppies were born. We were praying that there would be a boy in the litter and hopefully he would be black. It feels like just yesterday I got the call from Elly, telling me there are boys, lots of them and they are black! Eliot and I were so excited! We were going to be parents to our boy, our Black Lab, Cody. I remember visiting him as a puppy and him just cozying up to Eliot. We honestly felt that day that he chose us and come to find out that he would end up being our boy after the breeders decided who got who out of the litter. That day was our first wedding anniversary and there was no argument that we had to visit the puppies just to see who might be the newest member of our family.

These past 3 years have been filled with so many memories that I will forever carry in my heart. Memories  that fill my heart like our first car ride home, playing in the leaves in the backyard, taking walks, ferry rides to Long Island, picking out our Christmas trees at the farm, both our trips to NC, first swim experience in the lake, meeting Charlotte for the first time after coming home from the hospital with her, playing fetch, attending doggie training classes, first snow fall, watching C& C snuggling together and many more memories that I could just go on about.

This Father’s day was once of the scariest days Eliot and I had faced together. I felt so awful for Eliot, this was a day to celebrate him. Cody was up at 5:45 in the morning vomiting stomach bile. This was something that he has done on occasion and we just would give him some food and he would be fine. Eliot rushed downstairs to get him some food and all of sudden he ran to his bed and fell over and started to have a seizure. Eliot panicked as any dog owner would if they had never witnessed a seizure before. He grabbed him to help him because he thought he was choking. I think we both thought in that moment that we were going to forever loose our boy. After being together for over 5 years, I have yet to see Eliot shed a tear or get upset. That morning I witnessed my husband hurt for the time, so bad, and it shook me inside. Cody woke from his seizure and was completely disoriented and not himself at all, actually he was quite frightening and barked and growled at us. I was so afraid, that I ran up the stairs and closed our child gate. He eventually made it outside (Eliot somehow got the door open) and barked for well over an hour. Then all of a sudden, our Cody boy was back as if nothing happened. It was so scary to see this Jekyll and Hyde side of him come out. Cody NEVER barks or growls…EVER.

We had called the vet during all this (well I did in a panic and I am sure I made absolutely no sense at all with screaming and crying). She informed us that he had a seizure and to just let him get out of it and if he didn’t she would need to come over. He eventually calmed down and was back as I mentioned. Eliot brought him in for tests after and everything came back normal later that week. We needed to keep an eye on him and we both prayed that this would be his only one ever. I called our breeders that day when I was able to compose myself and learned that after Cody’s litter his dad has suffered from a seizure as well and now has had a few. So as my mind was optimistically telling me this will be his only one, my heart knew that it wouldn’t after hearing about his dad. We can not control where we come from, what genes we have inherited.  We each have been handed a deck of cards in life and unfortunately Cody was dealt with this and so were we.

Last week Eliot had been away for work and I was home playing super mom. We decided not to take him to doggie daycare that week because he seemed fine. Charlotte and I got home on Wednesday early evening and I let Cody outside and got Charlotte situated on the couch so I could start dinner. About 20 minutes after we got in, I heard Cody vomiting his stomach bile again, and I just figured he hadn’t eaten anything since I fed him last very early in the morning. So I grabbed his water and food bowl and walked outside to witness my boy laying in the grass having a seizure. I sort of saw his first one, but I saw more the after effects. I wish this upon no dog owner to experience. My heart sank so low. You aren’t supposed to touch them or hold them while they go though it and that just KILLED me. All I wanted to do was run to him and rub his ears, like I’ve been doing since that first car ride home. It lasted about a minute that seemed like forever. He got up and I could tell he was so disoriented and had no idea where he was. After all the research we did, I learned that some dogs might even go blind. I feel like he had trouble seeing. I kept telling him, “it’s ok buddy, mama is right here, you are ok….it’s ok” I knew to give him space from the first episode and I did. He did growl at me a little when I approached him a bit, but there was no hour long barking like last time. I let him be and would peek my head out every so often to see him frightened in a corner of the yard. After about 40 minutes, he was back. I called Eliot while he was seizing and then I called the vet to let them know. He was much less aggressive then the first time. It was weird, I wasn’t afraid, I wanted to stay calm as possible because Charlotte was in the other room (distracted, thank GOD) and I know animals can pick up bad energy. Eliot and I decided that when he returned from his trip we’d go talk to the vet to see what the next steps are.

This Monday night Charlotte and I got home, we immediately went outside to play and Eliot joined us. I ran in to change and Eliot and Charlotte went exploring into the backyard looking for bugs (what every mother wants her kids to be doing). As they were walking, Cody came from one side of the patio towards them and barked and growled at Charlotte and Eliot. Eliot immediately grabbed Charlotte and recognized his posture from his first episode. He walked with Charlotte in his arms around the yard to avoid Cody to safely get Charlotte in the house. I came downstairs and was shocked, because Cody was wagging his tail at the door. This time, he did not vomit bile and though we did not witness a seizure, he was in an aggressive state as if he had one. It seems like this was a mild episode.

Some of you have gotten to meet our boy, you then know, Cody does not have a mean bone in his body. He never barks, or shows any signs of aggression, well until now and after his seizures. I would always joke that if someone tried to break in, Cody would lick them to pieces.

So with all this, Eliot and I had called out vet and got a phone call last night. His immediate advise was that Cody should no longer be in our house for safety reasons. The thought of something happening to one of us or most importantly Charlotte, would absolutely devastate us. We would never be able to forgive ourselves if something happened to her, to friends or family also staying or visiting with us. We were given options…1. medication, but it didn’t cure it or guarantee that he wouldn’t be aggressive after 2. was to put him down and in my eyes, that would NEVER be an option. Eliot and I talked more last night after talking to friends and family, and decided that it was not safe for Charlotte for him to be living in our home anymore. I called our breeders, Elly and Brian last night in tears, Elly was so sick over this and felt horrible, but this was not their fault. This is life. These things happen. After a night of not sleeping and a morning of waking up to balling my eyes out, I headed into work. I put my strong mommy face on for Charlotte until I dropped her off and got back in my car to continue with my tears. All I could think was that this was not fair, this was not part of our plan. We’ve had a pretty bad deck of cards this year and this was just the kicker. We decided that the best option is to bring him back to Elly and Brian and have them help us find him a home or stay with them indefinitely.

I left work early today to come home to a packed up car with Cody’ favorite toys, food and his bed. There my boy was in the kitchen laying down against the island. This was his stake out spot when Charlotte would be eating to have the perfect angle to spot the fallen crumbs. I gave him hugs and some more ear rubs and told him how much I love him and that he is a good boy and my boy.

We decide to not take Charlotte. I just didn’t want for her to see me upset. She is also so young that I don’t think she would understand anyway. The car ride up North was somber with my tears falling every so often. At one point I jumped in the back seat to snuggle with my boy and rub his ears the same way I did on that first car ride home. Never in a million years did I think only after three short years that today would be the last car ride he takes with us. Never in my dreams did I think something like this could happen.

Today Eliot and I made the hardest decision as husband and wife, as dog owners, and as parents. I know that there will be many more hard decisions we will have to make for our future and our family, but this one has stung us and hurt our hearts tremendously. Right now, Cody is in the best place other then our home. He is amongst his mom and dad, grandmother and cousins. He is in the best hands possible. He is and will forever be my boy. I already miss him terribly. Tonight as we were pulling in, the little voice in the back seat made barking noises as we approached our home and said, “Cody” (something we say every night we get home) I looked at Eliot and my heart broke, I felt sick to my stomach. The bond that the 2 of them had started was all I ever could have wanted and I know she will be fine since she is so young. I will miss the C & C snuggles, and hearing that little voice say, “Cody, come” while she hides in her tent for him to find her. We are hoping that we will be able to still be a part of his life wherever he may end up, especially for Charlotte.

I know one day we will get another dog, and when we do it will again be from Elly and Brian and the Jay Hawk clan. I always believe that there are certain reasons why people come into our lives. Some will come and some will go, but some will stay to affect one another forever. Elly and Brian have been the best friends/mentors/breeders a (first time) dog owner could imagine. Their hearts are so huge and the love they have for their animals and owners is so large, that it is unmeasurable. You don’t find good people like this very often, but when you do, hold on to them.

I know this is going to be difficult for our little family to overcome, but I know in due time we will. Cody will forever be our boy and our Cody Bear and he will have a piece of our hearts wherever he his. I will keep all our memories close to my heart.

I love you buddy. Mama misses you very much.

“Of the billions of people dogs in the planet it is no accident that you and I were brought together to forever affect each others lives.”

One.

I am catching up on blogging…please forgive me for the delay on this…

September 22, 2011

To my dear sweet baby girl,

Today you turned a year old and I just can’t believe it…so I am staying in denial and pretending you are not really one…ok? I just don’t know where the time went by, I want you to stay little forever…so we can play, dance, make squishy faces and read books all day and night!

A year ago you came into this world and touched my life in a way that I never could have imagined. You have taught me a kind of love that I never knew existed until I became your mom. There is something true to what they say about a mother’s love…I will love your forever…no matter what…always remember that…

You continue to amaze me everyday and learn things so quickly now. I am just so proud of the little person you are starting to become. You have been walking around and getting into everything and you are a complete ham! You make Daddy and I giggle and laugh A LOT! We make you laugh a lot too…so the playing field is pretty even. One of the funniest things you do is your squishy face…it’s no blue steel, but it’s hilarious and just perfect! Daddy also taught you how to raise your arms for a “touchdown”…it’s pretty flippin’ cute every time you do it!

You say lots of words now and everyday you are trying new ones…here’s what you say so far: Dada, Mama, Ut-oh, Ball, Dog, Baby (pronounced Baaaaybeee…this is one of your favorite words to say…are you trying to hint something to mommy and daddy?), Pumpkin (pronounced bumpkin) and basket.

You love music, dancing and reading books. Books are a big favorite of yours and it makes me so happy, I hope that you always love them as much as you do now. Going to Duke is about 17 years away, and there will be lots of reading to do along the way in order for you to get in! 😉 I know you will do great things, even if you don’t go to Duke though.

My little Charlotte Joan, you are a beautiful and amazing baby girl (well toddler now) and I love you with all my heart and all my soul. Becoming your mom has made me want to become a better person, a better woman, so that I can be here for you no matter what. I am just so proud to be your mom and so in love with you. I can’t wait to keep making memories with you!

Happy 1st Birthday, my love!

Love,

Mommy

Back to Blogging…

Hey Everyone!

My sincere apologies that I have been M.I.A. for the past few months. I am composing some posts to fill you in on the following:

– C’s 1st Birthday/letter to her
– C’s walking/running/talking
– sewing a little bit again!
– Halloween

Promise to work on it this week. Here’s a recent pic of little miss C (school/daycare picture) to hold you over…

Xo | n

My excuse for not blogging…

I know I have been terrible at blogging and filling you all in with my boring mumbles…but we are headed toward toddlerville and I am exhausted! When people told me that I will be exhausted after the baby is born and nursing and waking in the middle of the night those first three months…they left out the part of when your baby starts to walk and how your exhaustion level rises even further. Those first 3 months are like a walk in the park compared to chasing this little one around these days…this weekend she was walking EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE…it’s very hard to keep up with her right now…notice what daddy taught her at the end of the first video…football season is among us…

Walking and holding objects are her thing…they give me anxiety…I can just see baby teeth flying out if she has any of my grace…aka clumsiness!

Wordless Wednesday

Movie Monday

Well I am starting off the week with Movie Monday’s from now on…here is a long one, but cute one of C and Cody playing. Sorry for the darkness of it, I forgot to turn some lights on. C has also been responding to discipline, and the word, “no”. I said she is responding, not listening…she will stop, turn around, look at you and give the biggest smile, then continue on what she was told “no” to. It’s so hard to keep a straight face and be disciplining her with that face…

More fun things to write about this week!

ps…someone should pinch me, because I have been sewing in the studio today…feel like I am dreaming…it’s been too long…so “hence the more fun things to write about”

10 months…a little delayed!

Hi All!

Well C turned 10 months a few weeks ago and I haven’t had the time to upload images on time, of course, so better late then never!

She will definitely be walking soon. She has been pulling up on everything and just want you to hold her hands so she can get up and walk! She can crawl pretty quickly these, intact so quickly, one second I was watching TV and then looked down and saw she was missing and already halfway into the kitchen!

She has been eating all sorts of finger foods…we still give her some baby food while she is at daycare but it’s the chunkier stuff. She sips out of her sippy like a rockstar…might need to move her up a sippy cup level in a month or so. I am also still nursing her and pumping at work during the day…7 more weeks and the pump FINALLY gets put away! I plan on nursing her at night and in the morning still and then slowly phase that out after her first birthday.

C may seem quiet…but she’s a talker ( like mother, like daughter) she says: dada, mama, duck, and her newest line, “ut-oh”, which she says after dropping things off her highchair tray.

She waves hi/bye, claps and does her little noise trick daddy taught her with her lips.

I just can’t believe she will turn 1 in 7 weeks…time has certainly flown by way to quickly for me. Need to get invites out very soon…we need to party plan!

Hope everyone had a great week. I am so happy it’s over and the weekend is here. C has a playdate with her girlfriends tomorrow…can’t wait to see my mommy mafia chicks!

Night!

Xo | n

A brief update!

Hi all!

Well it certainly has been far too long since I’ve been blogging more then just pics of C! So here it goes…

We have been pretty busy the past few weekends so I’ll try my best to summarize! (what I can remember…I have a hard time remembering what I did yesterday!)

Our adorable niece, B turned 1 at the end of June. I am so mad because I forgot my camera so the only pics I got are from my iPhone, so they aren’t the greatest. C had fun hanging with her cousins. We are happy to be close and hope the kids will continue to be able to have each other to grow up together! Here is a pic of the Birthday girl and C, sharing toys…and one of E with them.

We celebrated the Fourth of July with our best friends, K&D and our adorable God children, A&A! We made a vacation weekend of it and spent 4 nights with them. It was such a great weekend..and we always leave there sad wishing that we lived closer! We got to hang at the pool and do a little swimmin’. Even Cody got in the pool, and then realized it’s not a wading pool with a shallow end like his doggie daycare has! Oh we love him, but he is such a weenie sometimes! I took some funny pics of the girls right before we left..I’ll post them soon!

We have family visiting from France this month. I went last weekend with my dad to greet my cousin, his wife and their two sons down in Boston Saturday night. Then Sunday morning we took a ride up to the lake to spend time with them and my dad. They are staying with my dad and will be here this coming weekend to spend time with us. It has been 18 years since we last saw one another…way too long! Looking forward to showing them around, taking them to the seacoast and most importantly spending quality family time together.

Well that’s a little catching up…I am still learning how to use my iPhone and how to blog from it! I leave you with this shot of C as she was eating her lunch when we were out with Grammy this weekend!

xo | n

“seriously mom, would you like me taking pictures of you while you eat? Step away from the iPhone!”

How about a Wednesday movie?

Yesterday was tough, but things are better today. Thank you all for your support! I’m so blessed to have such wonderful people I am surrounded by who care so deeply for me.

We have been experiencing some brutally hot weather here in New England, so C has been rockin’ her birthday suit along with a diaper and a pony, of course! Cody and her have been having so serious bonding time.

This little video happened after I walked in on the two of them…C was hugging Cody’s neck and kissing him while sporting some major hair stuck to her face from Cody kisses. They are so cute together…he is such a good boy with her.

Oh, and can you tell someone will be walking soon? We are screwed.

My bleeding heart.

We have a routine every morning, E gets C ready for the day while I get ready. He packs us up in the car and off we go to daycare and work. We go through the motions, like robots…it’s not my ideal situation, but it’s what we need to do right now.

When I drop her off at daycare I sit her down with her classmates on the play mat while I put all her bottles and food away. When I am finished I go and give her kisses and hugs goodbye. She usually will grab a toy or crawl away to something that she wants to play with and then I’m off.

This morning, I got us ready and all packed up. Things were VERY different this morning. This morning was probably one of the hardest mornings I’ve had since I started back to work after C was born.

She was is a great mood this morning, happy as could be. When I finished putting her things away at daycare, I followed my routine of sitting down with her and giving her hugs and kisses and as I got up, out came the waterworks and the hysterical crying. I turned around and hugged her some more and then her teacher came over to take her from my arms. I had to turn away and walk out. Every bone in my body wanted to take her with me and go home, but that wouldn’t help either one of us…so I walked away to the sound of my baby girl scream and cry and just stare at me with tears pouring from her face.

I walked out to my car and tears fell from my face. I sat in my car and probably shed more tears then I can remember. It’s been 2 hours since I dropped her off and I am still having trouble trying to collect myself.

If any of you know C, she doesn’t really cry much and has never been a fussy baby. She will usually go to anyone and be fine after a little warming up. I’ve read about separation anxiety in books and that around her age is when it will happen. I really didn’t think it was possible with her, she just didn’t seem like she would be that way. Boy, was I wrong.

Seeing the tears on her face this morning and her arms trying to pull for me, killed me. It crushed me and made my heart bleed. I want today to be over. I want to be with my baby.